Is your ex haunting your home?

Whether you are living in the family home and your ex moved out, or you are starting over in a new place of your own, one of the big challenges is figuring out what will make you feel "at home" again.  It can be hard to get that "at home" feeling when your ex is still haunting your home!

When your ex moves out they don't take *everything* with them that you wish they would.  Left behind, haunting your home, are the Memories... trapped in the sofa you bought together, the pictures of you both with your friends last summer, the wedding gift from your aunt, the print from that winery you picked up on your honeymoon... the list goes on and on.  But how do you get rid of those ghosts without setting a match to it all and walking away?

Recently, while being interviewed for an upcoming documentary on divorce in the USA, they asked if I have my clients throw everything out in order to start fresh after a divorce.  I said "no, of course not" and explained that not only is that prohibitively expensive for most of my clients, but that relaunching doesn't mean having to toss everything and buy all new.  For each client we have to start by figuring out what in the home needs to go, what needs to stay, and what needs to be put away for a while.  And if there are kids involved we also have to figure out what they need to stay connected to the other parent, without holding anyone back from moving forward.  It's not easy.

Then I explained that small changes can go a really long way to helping the recently-divorced person move on from the embarrassment, pain, and heartache of the breakup and move on to the terrifying excitement of a new start in life.  Fresh paint, for example, can transform a room and create a new mood in just a few hours, whether you are wanting to feel newly sensual, newly youthful, or newly adventurous!

If you feel like your ex is still haunting your home and your just not sure where to start, try these four tips:

1. Make one small change.  Just rearrange the living room furniture. Just put fresh flowers on the kitchen table.  Just repaint your bedroom.  One small, manageable, bite-size change can start the process of healing and help you get some forward motion if you are feeling stuck.

2. Give yourself permission to let go.  Just because that sofa was expensive doesn't mean you can't sell it on Craigslist if it is making you miserable.  It's just a sofa, and it's not worth your misery.

3. Give yourself permission to hold on.  If your friends are telling you to throw out your wedding photos but it doesn't feel right to you, then put them safely in a box so that you don't have the day-to-day visual reminder of your past and the failure of your marriage, and put them on a top shelf in the attic.  It's okay if they stay there for a decade, or until you start dating again, or forever.  And if you have kids, it's often smart to save them for the inevitable questions that will come up later.

4. Get help.  Have a friend (or a professional your trust) go through your home with you and do an 'energy audit' of the space.  Walk through each room and get out what you feel when you are in that room.  What memories are evoked, what do you feel and what do you wish you felt?  Have your friend take notes - this will give you a good overview and the start to a roadmap for the big-picture changes you will need to take on, and help you understand what it is about your house that is haunting you.

If you have a haunted home and you'd like a little help busting those ghosts, let's chat - I love good ghostbusting challenges, and together we can nix the ex!

Create a "Conversation Room"

“I find television to be very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.  

Groucho Marx

Long Live the Living Room

Home stagers, TV advertisers, and greeting cards companies make their money selling a fantasy.  They sell you a make-believe world in which friends come over to your home to linger over a cup of tea and celebrate the ups and downs of life.  They convince you that this home, this brand of coffee, this holiday card is the missing ingredient, the key, that will give you a life filled with friendship and meaning.  

Of course, that’s a bunch of hooey.  There is no magic product that will create a meaning-filled, love-filled life.  The “secret” is, in fact, that any house can be a home, any cup of coffee can give friends a reason to stay a little longer, and any  sent to a loved one shows you’re thinking of them, even a halloween card sent at Easter.

There is, however, something you can do to increase your chance for a a magical, meaningful life.  It has to do to with creating a place amenable to conversation, a space in your home where distractions are limited and the focus is on the human being in front of you.  What started long ago as the parlor and then morphed into the now unused living room I’d like to reintroduce as...

Before, the focus of the room was a giant TV.  That TV is still in the room, but now the focus is on gathering and talking.

“The Conversation Room.”

It all started with the parlor, a pristine room where guests and host met over tea.  As cultures became less formal parlors fell out of fashion and living rooms took over.  They were less formal than a parlor, but still tended to be a grown up space.  

As we started focusing more on involving children in every aspect of our lives, and as the TV became a bigger and more important fixture in our homes, many created a separate room to play in as a family, aptly named the “family room”.  Soon the formal living room became a sort of museum; polished, pristine, and unused.

Finally, the family room devolved (yes, I am biased) into a media room, a room completely centered on, focused on, the TV.  As a result, now when our friends come over they all crowd into the kitchen!  Why?  It’s the only public room left in the home where it’s polite to talk (admit it, if the TV is on, it’s generally considered rude to talk - amazing how the TV program gets precedence over human interaction!).

But I say you CAN have the magic they show in the coffee commercials?  All you need to do is create a conversation room in your home.

How do I create a conversation room?

A conversation room can be created in your old ‘formal’ living room, or even created out of your current family/media room (if the TV junkies are open to the idea).  Of course you’ll want the room to be attractive, the furniture comfy,  and the colors to look well thought out, but those are details; the key is in the *furniture arrangement*.

Flip through a magazine and look at the images of inviting living rooms - unlike many family rooms you see today with the furniture all directed towards the TV, the seating in these rooms faces other seating, making it easy and natural to talk.  It’s kind of like tree stumps in a circle around a fire pit.  That’s it.  That’s the key!

So here, along with that most important furniture arrangement key, are:

Five tips for creating a great, living, conversation room.

1. Make it intimate.

This is that first key - make sure the furniture allows for easy conversation.  No one should have to overturn their head to chat with a friend.  Equally, no one should have to shout to be heard or struggle to hear the conversation.  Of course a conversation room can be created in a great big room, but it should still be broken down into small conversation spots, small enough for two to gossip, and large enough for four friends to pass an afternoon. 

2. Make it comfortable.

Forget stiff and formal living room furniture.  And lose the old futon that swallows your friends.  The furniture should be comfortable and inviting - and that means not only the right level of “squooshiness” but also that it should be neither so clean, nor so dirty, that people are afraid to sit.  Also make sure that the temperature is comfortable; have a couple of throws in easy reach for friends who might feel chilled. 

3.  Make it private.

A conversation room should feel “safe” for sharing secrets.  It’s not meant to be the center of attention, or right off the kids’ play area, or next to the main phone in the house.  It should be free of distractions friends can come together and plot their next conquest and commiserate over their latest lost love.

4. Invite a little distraction.

While it is important that there be no TV in the conversation room, or if there is, that it has a very good cover that conceals it and that the furniture is *not* oriented towards it, you still want a little distraction in the room for those comfortable pauses in any conversation.  Light music, a garden view or interesting painting, and a few good books on the table will do.

5. Make it stylish.

Give the room a theme or style that inspires you to sit and stay a while.  Prefer a clean, open, contemporary look?  Or a cozy, country feel?  Maybe a fascinating global adventure?  Play with it, but give it a distinct personality; it shouldn’t feel like a forgotten or catch-all room.  Give it the honor that you want to give to your visiting friends.

It’s time to reclaim a LIVING living room - good luck!

PS - for a little help accomplishing this design mission consider hiring an interior “redesigner” - their focus and mission is to decorate using ‘what you have’!