Is your ex haunting your home?

Whether you are living in the family home and your ex moved out, or you are starting over in a new place of your own, one of the big challenges is figuring out what will make you feel "at home" again.  It can be hard to get that "at home" feeling when your ex is still haunting your home!

When your ex moves out they don't take *everything* with them that you wish they would.  Left behind, haunting your home, are the Memories... trapped in the sofa you bought together, the pictures of you both with your friends last summer, the wedding gift from your aunt, the print from that winery you picked up on your honeymoon... the list goes on and on.  But how do you get rid of those ghosts without setting a match to it all and walking away?

Recently, while being interviewed for an upcoming documentary on divorce in the USA, they asked if I have my clients throw everything out in order to start fresh after a divorce.  I said "no, of course not" and explained that not only is that prohibitively expensive for most of my clients, but that relaunching doesn't mean having to toss everything and buy all new.  For each client we have to start by figuring out what in the home needs to go, what needs to stay, and what needs to be put away for a while.  And if there are kids involved we also have to figure out what they need to stay connected to the other parent, without holding anyone back from moving forward.  It's not easy.

Then I explained that small changes can go a really long way to helping the recently-divorced person move on from the embarrassment, pain, and heartache of the breakup and move on to the terrifying excitement of a new start in life.  Fresh paint, for example, can transform a room and create a new mood in just a few hours, whether you are wanting to feel newly sensual, newly youthful, or newly adventurous!

If you feel like your ex is still haunting your home and your just not sure where to start, try these four tips:

1. Make one small change.  Just rearrange the living room furniture. Just put fresh flowers on the kitchen table.  Just repaint your bedroom.  One small, manageable, bite-size change can start the process of healing and help you get some forward motion if you are feeling stuck.

2. Give yourself permission to let go.  Just because that sofa was expensive doesn't mean you can't sell it on Craigslist if it is making you miserable.  It's just a sofa, and it's not worth your misery.

3. Give yourself permission to hold on.  If your friends are telling you to throw out your wedding photos but it doesn't feel right to you, then put them safely in a box so that you don't have the day-to-day visual reminder of your past and the failure of your marriage, and put them on a top shelf in the attic.  It's okay if they stay there for a decade, or until you start dating again, or forever.  And if you have kids, it's often smart to save them for the inevitable questions that will come up later.

4. Get help.  Have a friend (or a professional your trust) go through your home with you and do an 'energy audit' of the space.  Walk through each room and get out what you feel when you are in that room.  What memories are evoked, what do you feel and what do you wish you felt?  Have your friend take notes - this will give you a good overview and the start to a roadmap for the big-picture changes you will need to take on, and help you understand what it is about your house that is haunting you.

If you have a haunted home and you'd like a little help busting those ghosts, let's chat - I love good ghostbusting challenges, and together we can nix the ex!

Does a mirror make a room look bigger?

A mirror is only is good as the image it reflects.

I wanted to share this image with you of a room designed by Barry Dixon, hung with a beautiful mirror, as seen in the September 2011 issue of House Beautiful.  Three of the things that make this vignette so successful are that 1) the mirror is hung at a natural height for a person to look in to its center, 2) the mirror itself is a lovely piece of art due to its oval shape and ornate frame, and 3) that it is reflecting a beautiful piece of art and a well chosen hanging lamp and medallion.

Room by Barry Dixon as seen in House Beautiful Sep 2011

In my work I have encountered dozens of mirrors that were meant to 'open up a room', often hung over a fireplace.  But if you hang a mirror over your fireplace and all it reflects is your white, bare or (gasp) popcorn ceiling, then all you've done is add more unsightly space to the room.  It may seem bigger, but is that the 'more' that you want?  That was the case for the client with the living room in the photo below - when I first came to their home to redesign this living room with their existing furnishings they had just that, a large, unadorned mirror reflecting a lot of white ceiling:

They wanted a new tv so we removed the mirror and hung the tv over the fireplace, and also rearranged the furniture and replaced the too-small rug with the larger rug from the dining room along with new paint and updated lighting and window treatments.  While I would have loved to put a piece of art over the fireplace, function for the family is always a first priority!

When choosing to hang a mirror consider what it will reflect when you look at it from all parts of the room.  If it reflects a beautiful view or piece of art that you love, go for it!  If it's hung so high that it just reflects white ceiling you've lost an opportunity to add to your space.  Same goes for reflecting a long dark hallway - who needs more hallway?  In those instances consider, instead, a piece of art, maybe with a natural theme like a forest with dappled light coming through aspen trees or a sunny desert vista. 

And remember, if the room feels 'dark' but a mirror will only reflect more of that dark room, add real light with table and floor lamps.

If you have questions about when to hang a mirror or how high to hang it, don't hesitate to send me an email with a picture of your space and your question, at design@rivalee.com.  Happy decorating!

Someone's going to love your stuff!

“How many things are there which I do not want.” Socrates 

After my divorce a good friend gave me some wonderful advice when I was trying to decide what to do with my wedding ring. She said that I needed to get it out of my home in order to make room for all the good things that were waiting for me to make space for them.

That really hit home because without realizing it, by holding on to that token of my past I was keeping myself from opening to new love.

Now I work with clients trying to make fresh starts in their own lives, and I always share that wisdom with them. Every time we start I hear the list of excuses why they CAN’T get rid of Aunt Ann’s chair, the second set of dishes, the broken mirror, the dusty records in the attic, etc... At this point, after reminding them that they are trying to move FORWARD in their lives, I gently remind them that instead of hoarding the stuff out of fear and guilt, they can let someone else use and enjoy it! Not only will the stuff have a new life, but there will be room in their home and heart for things that will bring them joy to look at and use.

If you are ready to tackle your home and lighten its load, here are five helpful tips to focus the project:

1. 1.Contain the project. Choose one half of a closet, one quarter of a garage, or one box of papers. Make it an area that you can finish in an hour or two.
2. 2.Get comfortable and prepared. Have a chair or pillow to sit on, have water on hand, and have boxes ready for the things you are keeping, the things you are letting go, and the things that need further consideration.
3. 3.Set a timer for one hour. During that one hour do not answer the phone, wander to the fridge, or otherwise get distracted. When the timer dings, take the box for Goodwill to the donation station immediately. Move the Craigslist items to a corner and post them within 24 hours. Action is the key!
4. 4.If you are going to sell your items through Craigslist, decide how you want to use the money you make. Write down that goal or post of picture of it in the workspace you are organizing. By posting a picture nearby of what you DO want then as you hold each item you can ask yourself if it supports the life you WANT or the life you have.
5. 5.Unless you are focussing on paperwork for the hour, NEVER read, sort or file the papers you find while decluttering. You’ll NEVER finish because either you’ll drown in nostalgia or get overwhelmed. Instead, have a small box on hand, toss the papers you find into it, and make that a separate organizing project.

Once you finish an section, celebrate. Imagine how much closer you are to having the life and home you want, and smile!

Create a "Conversation Room"

“I find television to be very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.  

Groucho Marx

Long Live the Living Room

Home stagers, TV advertisers, and greeting cards companies make their money selling a fantasy.  They sell you a make-believe world in which friends come over to your home to linger over a cup of tea and celebrate the ups and downs of life.  They convince you that this home, this brand of coffee, this holiday card is the missing ingredient, the key, that will give you a life filled with friendship and meaning.  

Of course, that’s a bunch of hooey.  There is no magic product that will create a meaning-filled, love-filled life.  The “secret” is, in fact, that any house can be a home, any cup of coffee can give friends a reason to stay a little longer, and any  sent to a loved one shows you’re thinking of them, even a halloween card sent at Easter.

There is, however, something you can do to increase your chance for a a magical, meaningful life.  It has to do to with creating a place amenable to conversation, a space in your home where distractions are limited and the focus is on the human being in front of you.  What started long ago as the parlor and then morphed into the now unused living room I’d like to reintroduce as...

Before, the focus of the room was a giant TV.  That TV is still in the room, but now the focus is on gathering and talking.

“The Conversation Room.”

It all started with the parlor, a pristine room where guests and host met over tea.  As cultures became less formal parlors fell out of fashion and living rooms took over.  They were less formal than a parlor, but still tended to be a grown up space.  

As we started focusing more on involving children in every aspect of our lives, and as the TV became a bigger and more important fixture in our homes, many created a separate room to play in as a family, aptly named the “family room”.  Soon the formal living room became a sort of museum; polished, pristine, and unused.

Finally, the family room devolved (yes, I am biased) into a media room, a room completely centered on, focused on, the TV.  As a result, now when our friends come over they all crowd into the kitchen!  Why?  It’s the only public room left in the home where it’s polite to talk (admit it, if the TV is on, it’s generally considered rude to talk - amazing how the TV program gets precedence over human interaction!).

But I say you CAN have the magic they show in the coffee commercials?  All you need to do is create a conversation room in your home.

How do I create a conversation room?

A conversation room can be created in your old ‘formal’ living room, or even created out of your current family/media room (if the TV junkies are open to the idea).  Of course you’ll want the room to be attractive, the furniture comfy,  and the colors to look well thought out, but those are details; the key is in the *furniture arrangement*.

Flip through a magazine and look at the images of inviting living rooms - unlike many family rooms you see today with the furniture all directed towards the TV, the seating in these rooms faces other seating, making it easy and natural to talk.  It’s kind of like tree stumps in a circle around a fire pit.  That’s it.  That’s the key!

So here, along with that most important furniture arrangement key, are:

Five tips for creating a great, living, conversation room.

1. Make it intimate.

This is that first key - make sure the furniture allows for easy conversation.  No one should have to overturn their head to chat with a friend.  Equally, no one should have to shout to be heard or struggle to hear the conversation.  Of course a conversation room can be created in a great big room, but it should still be broken down into small conversation spots, small enough for two to gossip, and large enough for four friends to pass an afternoon. 

2. Make it comfortable.

Forget stiff and formal living room furniture.  And lose the old futon that swallows your friends.  The furniture should be comfortable and inviting - and that means not only the right level of “squooshiness” but also that it should be neither so clean, nor so dirty, that people are afraid to sit.  Also make sure that the temperature is comfortable; have a couple of throws in easy reach for friends who might feel chilled. 

3.  Make it private.

A conversation room should feel “safe” for sharing secrets.  It’s not meant to be the center of attention, or right off the kids’ play area, or next to the main phone in the house.  It should be free of distractions friends can come together and plot their next conquest and commiserate over their latest lost love.

4. Invite a little distraction.

While it is important that there be no TV in the conversation room, or if there is, that it has a very good cover that conceals it and that the furniture is *not* oriented towards it, you still want a little distraction in the room for those comfortable pauses in any conversation.  Light music, a garden view or interesting painting, and a few good books on the table will do.

5. Make it stylish.

Give the room a theme or style that inspires you to sit and stay a while.  Prefer a clean, open, contemporary look?  Or a cozy, country feel?  Maybe a fascinating global adventure?  Play with it, but give it a distinct personality; it shouldn’t feel like a forgotten or catch-all room.  Give it the honor that you want to give to your visiting friends.

It’s time to reclaim a LIVING living room - good luck!

PS - for a little help accomplishing this design mission consider hiring an interior “redesigner” - their focus and mission is to decorate using ‘what you have’!