Keeping a happy marriage throughout a remodel

All marriages are happy.  It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.  

~Raymond Hull

One of my clients shared this cartoon with me and, after a good giggle, it made me think about how often a kind of “marriage counseling” comes into my work.  As both a ballroom dance instructor and an interior designer I have learned a number of things that can make or break a project for a couple, and I’d like to share some of that insight with you.  If you’ve never undertaken a remodel together before, you’re in for a pretty big adventure, and you want to go in with the right attitude and, ideally, the support of a designer that *both* of you like and trust and who can make sure that the final design is one you  both like.

Comic by Besty Streeter

Here are key ingredients to achieving the goals for your home and, when you’re done, still have a happy relationship:

1. 1)Identify your dream(s).
   
2. First, understand that you both have some idea of what this project will end up looking like, but that you might have very different ideas of that end product.   We have to figure out how you want to feel in your home when it’s done, how do you want to live.  The key here is to LISTEN to each other, and don’t judge!  At this stage every idea is valid.
   
3. 
   
2. 2)Destroy preconceived notions.
   
3. Both partners are going to have some concept of how much it will (or should) cost and how long it will take.  Again, LISTEN to each other and *never* laugh at your spouse.  If you ridicule your partner they’ll just clam up and be that much less open to  your desires when it’s your turn to be heard.  It’s normal for someone not to know how much a sofa or flooring or any of the other ingredients will cost - how often does the price of a kitchen faucet come up in your spouse’s work?
   
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3. 3)Draw a map.
   
4. This is where the designer starts pulling together ideas and options and will ask for decisions.  It often helps to assign “homework” and divide up the decisions - let the husband choose the counters, the wife choose the flooring... and trust the designer to guide the decisions so they all work together.  Agree to honor the work and decisions of the other person.
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4. 4)Demo and remodel.
   
5. You are going to face dust and dirt, perhaps weeks without a kitchen or bath, delays, etc.  Last minute decisions will have to be made, and changes approved when things don’t go as planned.  Stay on the same team.  Budget for a night in a hotel or a nice meal out once in a while as part of the project.  Be a cheerleader for your spouse and know that even thought they might stress about different things (she’s worried about the money, he wants the lighting to be just so) their worries are just as valid as your own.    
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5. 5)Celebrate!
   
6. As you achieve goals, break out the champagne.  Not just the big goal (the kitchen is done and we are having a housewarming party) but the small goals, too (the cabinets came in!)
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6. 6)Throughout, remember what’s important; your marriage and your family.
   
7. There are NO design emergencies, and the cabinet color and finish is NOT more important than your spouse.  If you see your spouse digging in like a mule, chances are that they feel they aren’t being heard, or felt steamrolled on the last 10 decisions.  If you’ve been getting your own way for a while, it might be time to get them really involved again. Or, if *you* start acting like a stubborn mule on a design decision, take a deep breath, set it aside, talk about it with your designer. Go out and get a little perspective.  Sometimes you just need a walk, sometimes you need to go volunteer at a soup kitchen, but do something that reminds you that beautiful design and new kitchens and baths are a luxury and a gift, not a right or emergency.  
8. 
   
9. Then go kiss your husband or wife.

You’ll learn a lot about yourself and your partner by taking on a remodel together, and it can be surprisingly easy and even fun if you have a though-out budget with a little extra set aside, and keep some light-hearted perspective throughout.  So have fun, and get ready to enjoy your new home!

How much should my remodel cost?

“A budget tells us what we can’t afford, 

but it doesn’t keep us from buying it.”  William Feather

Money is on everyone’s mind these days.  Maybe you’ve decided you have the funds to attack that home remodel you’ve wanted, or maybe the leaking roof has “decided” it for you.  How in the world do you decide how much is appropriate to spend?  

Inviting a designer, decorator or contractor into your home without having first considered your budget is a waste of everyone’s time.  A home can be improved for as little as the cost of a gallon of paint, or for hundreds of thousands of dollars.  When your designer or contractor asks what budget you have in mind, they are probably not trying to figure out how much money they can get.  They are trying to determine both what kind of project you have in mind, and also if your dreams can be realized within the limits of your budget.

Your first meeting with a designer should be about three things.  First, do you even like this person?  Can you work with them?  Both the homeowner and the designer should be asking themselves this question.  If the answer is no, there is no point in moving forward.

Second, what is your dream?  Don’t hold back.  What is it you really want to feel in this room?  How do you want to use it?  Why are you wanting a change?  What would you love to see?  If you’ve always wanted a bay window, say so.  The designer will let you know if it can or can’t work with your space or your budget, but needs to know up front what you wish.  If you can, be prepared with photos you’ve printed from the internet or torn from design magazines of rooms and elements you love.  Pictures help make sure we are all speaking the same language.

Third, budget.  The budget may not be set in this first meeting, but it needs to be aired.  There is no expectation that you know how much things cost (that is the designer’s job) but we need to know what kind of budget we are looking at.  Now, if you tell me you want a full kitchen remodel with all new appliances, floors and cabinets, and that you have $10,000 to work with, it gives us a starting point.  I will gently tell you that your budget won’t cover what you are wanting to achieve, and then we can discuss whether you want to change the project parameters or the budget parameters.  But we have to know if we are looking at a $300,000 budget or a $20,000 budget.

Do be conservative with your numbers and tell your new designer a number that represents 80% of your true budget.  This is appropriate because you want to have 20% of your budget in reserve for the “unexpected problems” that always sneak in.  But do your homework first and have a number in mind.  Then ask your designer if your dreams can be realistically met within your budget.

So, how do you set a budget?  According to keidel.com a full kitchen remodel project should be valued at no less than 5% of your home’s value and at no more that 15%.  In a kitchen remodel 50% of that amount should be allocated for cabinets.  This is the most expensive room in a home, and is a good place to start when thinking about numbers for the rest of your home.  Click here for another great article on kitchen remodeling budgets.